We had so long to prepare ourselves..
Yet when mums time came it felt like she was ripped away! Like she had been snatched from us! Someone stole her away! Stole her from her friends , her family , her home , her job , her life! Someone had just taken her right before our eyes!
I was there for mums last moments, her last breaths.. I watched as she struggled for air I watched as she left us.. I held her hand and I whispered I love you!
Mum had been sick for so long! She fought for her life every single day! Some days she had hope and other days were dark. Everyday I thought to myself have i spent enough time with her.. ? did I make her smile.. ? Did I tell her I loved her… ? But I thought it’s ok I can try again tomorrow… until tomorrow was to late! I left the farm that sunday after spending the morning with her. I kissed her and hugged her and said “I love you, see you tomorrow” … little did I know mums battle with brain cancer was near an end.. infact that very next morning when I drove out to see her she wasn’t their, and I just knew! My stomach sunk! I felt sick!.
Mum was on morphine for two days before she exited this life.. we were all with her and while we were all laughing at something someone had said that’s when mum choose to slip away. Surrounded by her most loved friends and family, her hand filled with warmth and her heart filled with love and just like that she was gone.. I sat with mum on her bed until we had to leave.. I just stared at her.. like I was waiting for her to open her eyes… just staring hoping she would come back to me.. back to us. She never did.. I think that’s when my heat broke.. properly broke.. into a million pieces.
Mum had been so brave! She put herself through 6 weeks of raidiation and chemo .. 6 weeks of telling her self she could do it … 6 weeks of thinking they outcome would be worth it.. she spent those 6 weeks in Christchurch at her mums. Those are 6 weeks we can never get back. I remember talking to her on the phone every morning and how broken and sad she was. She was so scared! She was so sad, she thought she was letting my sister and I down… she didn’t want us to be sad for her…
We were all so positive that it would work! I’ll never forget the day we were told.. told it had spread and there was nothing they could do anymore.. it was now a matter of time.. but I still had hope! Miracles happen they do!! And boy was I holding out for one!! But that miracle never came, just a world of hurt.. a world of pain and anger.. a world of sadness.
I Often think about what mums last thoughts were.. was she scared ? Was she at peace ? Was she sad ? I think about it so much I feel sick.. I feel sick to my stomach. She didn’t want to leave us.. she loved her life! And what a life she had!
Mum wasn’t like “most” mums. Mum was cool.. she rode a triumph she had the jacket and the badges , she owned her own shop. She had her own band where she played the base and sung.. she wrote her own songs too. Mum could make something beautiful out of nothing … she made tie hand bags , tie dresses and skirts. She made mosaic mirrors and cabinets , windows and window hangings. She could draw and paint. I could literally go on for days about all the things mum could do.. but to me the most important thing mum could do was make me feel loved!
Not every body is lucky enough to have a healthy loving relationship with their mum (or parents for that matter ). Our relationship was more like a friendship, mum was my best friend. We spoke everyday! We told each other everything and man did I love her! I loved her so much! She was my entire world! There’s a saying that goes “mum to the world you may be one person , but to me you are the world” it’s like it was written for us.
4 months 4 days
As the months go by my little girl grows too.. Mum and Sadie left and graced this world all in the same week.. just 3 days apart. I believe they meet.. in passing.. I felt mum with me in the delivery room. She gave me strength when I felt like I didn’t have any. I’m told often Sadie has a lot of mums features , I like to think she does too.
Here is a poem I recently wrote.. I wish I found these words at mums funeral.
“I can’t think to far back of the memories I have , my head is clouded with sadness and is just a massive mess. Sometimes I remember and can picture your face, then suddenly it’s dark and the tears roll down my check, but I know I can be strong, for you were never weak and memories is all that I have left to seek. I miss your hugs and hearing your voice , I miss your smile and your soft loving kiss. I know your free of pain now, no more pills and nights away I just wish you didn’t leave cause without I only but grief. I don’t know if you can see me , or where you are now I just hope you are happy and safe afar. I look into the sky so often hoping to see your face , the clouds hide the tale of a very heavenly place. You were my mum but also my best friend without you I don’t know how Im to mend. I love you more than words can say that will never change , my heart is broken into pieces shattered a thousand times, I really hope this is all a dream and I have yet not woken , for i am speaking of this pain , spoken with tears as your death was one of my biggest fears. I’ll try to close my eyes again and maybe your life won’t be taken. For when you were here my life wasn’t so god forsaken”.
I believe mum fly’s.. her soul and spirt free… is there more than though ? If we look hard enough is there more to see ?
Take a walk with me … a walk that